Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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