It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
