wakey wakey hands off snakey
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Everything about him screamed your future.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The Olympian is in my bed
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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