If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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