dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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