PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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