This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
