I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize