Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
