FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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