Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You did what with his pubic hair?
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