Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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