the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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