i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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