I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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