You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
