my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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