I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
there is glitter all over my balls
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