I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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