she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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