areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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