His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
