so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
