I accidentally burped into my bong.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
