I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
