I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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