So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't want my vagina anymore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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