And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
