theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
