i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Barsexuality is the new black.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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