shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
