My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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