i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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