Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Randomize
