Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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