I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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