I will die if light touches me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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