This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
