I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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