my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
