why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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