My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
50% drunk capacity currently
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Randomize
