I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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