be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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