So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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