there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
