I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What drink are we having for lunch?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
