So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
