He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
