We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
