Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
