I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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