Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
