New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I deserve this hangover.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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