i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
