Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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