Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my being single is dangerous.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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