Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
